When we first got engaged we were very uncomfortable with the idea of receiving a pile of gifts (or cash) during our wedding. We’ve been together nearly a decade, and our lifestyle is too nomadic to warrant registering for a new set of china and a crystal vase or two. Not that there is anything wrong with registering for those things, but it just doesn’t fit our lives right now.
But there’s more to it than that. We have always loved giving gifts more than receiving them. And we also didn’t want our guests to feel obligated to purchase anything for us (as though a gift was the price of admission to our celebration) especially since we aren’t having a traditional wedding. Plus, we’re a nomadic couple living abroad and the thought of hauling a blender, a food processor, and a hundred other household items across the Atlantic was dizzying. I know a cash registry is normally the solution, but it’s something Mike and I just aren’t comfortable with (although I think it’s a great solution if it works for you!)
So we struggled for a long time about what our gift-policy would be, and how we would let our guests know about it. We tried having a no-gifts engagement party, and that flopped big time. We began to realize that asking guests to not give us anything would attract more attention to the whole thing, and would probably just result in the opposite effect.
We floated the idea of asking our guests to give to charity, but were inundated with questions (can’t we give something to charity and something to you?)
We wondered, is it better to say nothing at all about it, hoping guests will give you nothing (or, in the worst case scenario, cash?) We thought we might keep a secret registry our mothers knew about for only the most insistent guests to use. Then we looked at each other and said ‘A secret registry?! This is insane!’
Yikes. Who knew deciding whether to, or how to, register could be so complicated?
Over many months I consulted blogs, forums, books, and friends for advice. Finally, A Practical Wedding by Meg Keene helped calm our anxiety about receiving gifts, providing lovely insight about why the tradition exists, and why it’s okay:
“Here’s what it took me a long time to figure out: the registry is not for you. In fact, the registry has nothing to do with your wedding. Your registry is for your guests and for your marriage. When guests go to a wedding, they want a way to participate. They don’t just want to partcipate in the party (because to do that, they can just get drunk and do the conga line). They want to find a way to show their support for your marriage….The registry is like a barn raising. It gives your guests a time-honored way to tell you that they are with you for the long haul. (…) So no matter what decisions you make about your registry, remember this: you’re not getting gifts and cash because you somehow deserve it. You’re getting gifts and cash because people are showing their love. The registry isn’t about the wedding, and it isn’t about you. It’s about letting your friends and loved ones build a home for you. It’s about letting them love you.”
So, in the end, we decided to create a small registry. And to make us comfortable we won’t be broadcasting it across our wedding stationery or web site (just here, to the entire Internet ; ) We’ll only register for a few, affordable items that are useful and portable: maybe a new piece of luggage, or a set of durable cutlery. And a couple of fun surprises (like a Spock cardboard cut-out) so our guests can have a chuckle when they log in.
Are we the only couple that struggled with this? I’d love to know.
Come back next week! I’ll be sharing some of our favourite registry items for nomadic couples (or couples who love to travel, or live light!)
Images: Kitchenaid mixer via Amazon // Kate Spade picnic basket via Kate Spade // Let’s Make Out pillow by Alexandra Ferguson // Kate Spade vase via Kate Spade // Blue rolling pin via Anthropologie // Orange rolling pin via Anthropologie // Waring Professional Bar Blender via Amazon // Pineapple lamp via Horchow // Mug by Kate Spade via Macys.